i don’t want to.

It’s early in the morning, still dark outside.

“It’s time to wake up.”

I cover my face with the blankets. It’s time to wake up. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to be heard. I won’t say a word. But it’s time to wake up.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe it will go away. I want to be with my friends. It will help me forget. But I don’t want noise. I don’t want attention. I do want attention. Why don’t you notice?

I fall deep into the darkness. My heart jumps and my eyes pop open. It’s time to wake up. Curl into a ball, pull the covers in tighter. Close your eyes tighter. Ignore your heart. It’s not thumping. Stop. It’s not loud. It’s not beating faster. You’re making it faster. You’re doing this on purpose. You are so annoying. It’s time to wake up

I don’t want to.

Time ticks by. You could still get up. Why don’t you just get up? I can’t breathe. I uncover my face, but the light hurts my eyes. Back under the covers. I can’t do this. You’re so stupid. This hour feels like forever. Leave. Just leave. Please, hurry up and leave.

There is no one in the room. My heart beats faster. She’s going to be mad at you. I should just get up. Just get dressed, and once you’re at school, you can just ignore everyone if you have to. That won’t work, you idiot. What if I freak out in class? Someone will see. I won’t be able to leave. She is going to come in here and get mad at you… Maybe she won’t. Just hide and close your eyes. Go to sleep. It’s time to wake up.

I don’t want to.

The door opens. Oh no. Name. Your name. She is calling your name. Answer her! Why won’t you answer?

“Wake up.”

Say something. Say something now. You’re making it worse. I feel cold. I squeeze my eyes tighter. Your name. 

“Wake up!”

I don’t want to!

You better not cry. Stop thinking. Don’t breathe. Be quiet. This is your fault. I told you. You knew this was going to happen.

“You’re going to your dad’s.”

I don’t want to!!

My heart pounds. Look what you did now. But I didn’t do anything. You never do anything. I do everything… wrong.

“You just get worse every day.”

You do. 

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It’s time to eat.

I don’t want to.

They’re talking to you. Answer them.

I don’t want to.

You have to work. You have responsibilities.

I don’t want to.

Just… breathe already!

I don’t want to.

 

 

You better get up.

Get up now.  WAKE UP.

 

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I. Don’t. Want. To.

 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. I dont know that i feel these things as strong as you might but i feel that way too! I get tired too! I never wanna wake up like ever! And you do think to your self “at school it will be better” “i can ignore them there” “i can escape my problems and hide from people” but you never can. Each day beings a new change you just have to find the inner strength to get through. I read this quote once that said something like ” you have made it through all your bad days so far”. Even if you have a bad day, you can make it because you have made it before. Also you are not alone. I am here. Conner is here – ha but he seriously is. Others are here like cassie and whoever else you talk to. We may not experience exactly what you do but to some degree we probably all do. So if ever you need anything – talk, rant, cry, hug, anything – we are here for you sweet chocolate cake. Don’t ever hesitate to ask k love? 🍫🍰💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. aweee, thanks so much Christina, I reallyyy appreciate this A LOT. I love you. 💘

      Like

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