it burns.

I cannot even begin to explain how it feels to be misunderstood. To be perceived as rude and careless about the emotions of others. Please let me explain.

I care so much. Because I care so much, when that little monster inside grabs me by the chest and pulls me down, I cannot even begin to fathom why it is happening to me again… why right now? I am in the middle of an internal crisis. Alarms are flashing everywhere, my heart literally burns inside of me. Yes, it actually hurts. I cannot breathe. I cannot speak. I honestly cannot speak. Please understand.

I am not being rude. I care about what you feel… trust me. I definitely care about what you feel because I can honestly feel what you feel. It isn’t exact, but I am able to actually understand your emotions. I do not mean to put you off. Or push you away. That is the last thing I want to do right now. I want you close to me. All I want right now is for you to understand me because I cannot even understand myself. My chest is burning so bad. It’s like I am stuck in this evil trance. I have no idea what is going on, much less why. This happens to me all of a sudden, exactly when I don’t want it to. Please understand.

My mind is basically ripping itself apart right now. I cannot leave me alone. I know it doesn’t make sense. It sure doesn’t make sense to me… which makes it all the more terrible for me. I am asking myself all kinds of questions, telling myself an unending list of nasty things that might not even be related. All I can think of is how I just want this to stop and I cannot make it happen. Your perception of me right now turns into my perception of myself now. Why are you being so rude? Why don’t you respond? Respond. Respond! Breath right now and stop making a huge deal! You are so embarrassing! It’s like every time I tell myself to stop, it gets worse. I just want you to understand. I feel my crazy emotions right now, but I also feel yours. I can barely take it. It begins to affect me physically. I feel breathless, I feel dizzy and I am sure I am about to pass out. My vision zones out. I honestly cannot really hear anything except my own internal voices right now. My chest burns like when your lungs do when you are running out of oxygen while holding your breath. I am so scared.

I wish I could hold you. All I want is to make you feel better right now. But I can’t. I can’t even pull myself together.

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5 Replies to “it burns.”

  1. Wow. All of your posts are so deep and so intriguing. To be able to put such deep feelings into words like that is simply amazing! Keep updating because I cannot wait to see more. Also, I am always there for you whenever you just need a friend. Even if you don’t wanna talk about it, I will try to distract you and make you laugh 🙂 Love ya Girly

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I do understand, and because of your adorable introvertedness, you have a hard time expressing yourself and you feel trapped inside. Of course the last thing I want to do is put words in your mouth (haha, look this comment is already a mess) but basically what I’m trying to say is I love you and I’ll support you through whatever happens. I love you endlessly girl, and when you don’t speak the next time I’ll remember to hug you close 🙂


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