my fear is losing you.

You know those days that are so absolutely amazing and fantastically fun that you can’t help but smile thinking about? The feelings that stir up when you look through old pictures as you relive memories… Those are all familiar.

What about the sadness that settles in when you think about how the day is done? Passed? Finished? Yes, it was amazing, but why can it not go on forever?

Why do wonderful days have to end? Why do people have to leave? Why do things have to change? Why do we have to move on?

The reason we feel these things and continue to ask the same questions is because we do not want to face the moment where we have to let go. Everything is fine and dandy as we feel pleasure and enjoy ourselves and the time with those around us… But the moment we have to say, “Good night,” or “See you later,” we grab each other’s hands and refuse to let go.

Change.

We hate it. We avoid it. All of us have blamed it as the cause of our problems at least once in our lives. Change is what tore my family apart. Change is what made my best friend be so far away. Change is what made us stop talking. Change is what caused me to lose myself. But is change really the enemy? Is it really the problem?

Let me introduce a new word:

Fear.

Fear of change. Fear of instability. Fear of loneliness. Fear of ended relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is our issue. This is our real enemy.

I get it. I understand. I feel it. We all do. Fear is not a bad thing. It doesn’t feel good. In fact, it feels pretty damn awful. How many nights have you spent crying, shaking, or agonizing, scared out of your mind? But, it can still be a positive thing helping us know when we are in danger and avoiding us from getting ourselves hurt. Fear is there to be felt for a reason. We are the ones that let it affect us in ways that are harmful. Until you realize that you are hiding behind the emotions that hold you back from feeling all the more; until you stop limiting yourself, dwelling in this clutch, and letting it eat you up until you are one with it… it will never leave you.

It’s like you’re sitting on the floor and there are these chains around your neck, hands, and feet. They are wrapped around you and you can feel them, cold and hard. You begin to panic, moving about, fighting to get out and struggling more as the chains tighten. But what if I told you that the chains were never locked? Darling, you just tightened them yourself.

I’ll tell you my fear.

I’m scared of losing you. My friends. I’m terrified of leaving you and you all leaving me. It wrenches at my heart to think about not seeing you every day, hearing your voice, your laugh, making memories together… Wonderful days like this when I really get to appreciate the true beauty of the human that you are and how special and unique you are in this world full of people. Out of all the beings in this huge crowd that is humanity, we made a connection. We got the opportunity to witness each other’s existence. We got to be aย part of it. We are able to make each other feel.

I cannot hold on to that. How would I be able to truly enjoy my time with you if I was constantly submerged in my fear? How would I know how enjoyable time with you even was if that fear did not exist?

I choose to push past that fear in order to spend all my energy on things like this, people like you, that matter. I choose to acknowledge that fear so that I can really appreciate how much you matter. I choose to not let that fear consume me. Choices are not easy.

I won’t always be perfect. But I made a choice.

What is your fear? What do you choose?

You won’t always be perfect.

But you made a choice.

That is all that matters.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s